The sympathy trap – how liking shapes negotiation (and sometimes trips us up)

The power of being liked

We all like to be liked. And in negotiation, that’s often where the trouble begins. You build rapport, share a laugh, perhaps discover you both once worked in the same place or have a colleague in common. The room warms, the conversation flows easily, and everyone gets along. Yet when it’s over, you realise the deal you accepted isn’t quite the one you came for.

That’s the sympathy trap — the quiet drift that happens when the wish to be liked or to like others pulls the outcome off course.

Robert Cialdini described liking as one of his six universal principles of influence: the social glue that makes people trust and say “yes” more readily. According to him, liking rests on three pillars — commonalities, compliments, and outer attractiveness — and each has its place in negotiation. They create connection, familiarity, and warmth; they smooth the human edges of what could otherwise be pure calculation. Yet each of them carries a hidden risk when overused or misread.

Source: Gemini AI

Three ways we create sympathy

The first is commonality. We like people who remind us of ourselves. Years ago, a man tried to sell me a carpet cleaner. Before showing the machine, he said, “Let’s sit down and get to know each other first.” Within minutes he had discovered that his mother had worked for the same company I once did. Coincidence, perhaps, but it made me lower my guard instantly. The moment we find shared ground — a hometown, a profession, even a favourite football team — the walls come down and conversation becomes easier. Still, the danger lies in mistaking connection for commitment. Just because someone shares your humour or your story doesn’t mean they share your goals.

The second is complimenting. When I once worked with a luxury retail brand, their rule for sales staff was simple: every customer interaction had to include some form of appreciation. Not the exaggerated “Oh, your boyfriend is rather handsome” type — though I can imagine many thought that at times — but subtle acknowledgements: “You’ve got an excellent eye for detail,” or “That colour really suits you.” Small, genuine words of recognition make people feel seen and respected. They invite openness.

Still, compliments only work when they are authentic. I’m not fond of hearing “Great idea” or “You’re absolutely right” when it feels more like politeness than conviction. Flattery without sincerity erodes trust. It’s the conversational equivalent of artificial sweetener — pleasant at first, but ultimately unsatisfying.

The third pillar, outer attractiveness, goes beyond looks. It’s about posture, energy, and openness — the signals that say “I’m approachable.” A programme on the History Channel once compared two car salesmen: one greeted customers with a relaxed stance, direct eye contact, and an easy smile; the other stood stiffly, eyes down. The friendly salesman consistently sold more cars, especially to women who later described him as “trustworthy” and “easy to talk to.”

I’ve seen the same pattern in training rooms. How you enter a space sets the tone. Standing behind a desk, half-hidden behind a laptop, creates distance. Greeting participants at the door, exchanging a few words, sharing a smile — that invites connection. Some trainers keep their distance, but I’ve always found that spending informal time together — over coffee, during a break, or walking to lunch — builds natural rapport. It’s not unprofessional; it’s human. The challenge is to keep that warmth from softening your boundaries. Connection should open dialogue, not dissolve direction.

Source: Gemini AI

Staying warm without losing focus

Why does liking work so well? Because it disarms our inner guard. Once we like someone, we assume goodwill, listen more, and question less. Psychologists call it the halo effect: one positive impression spills into everything else. A kind smile, a confident voice, or a shared story can make us believe the rest of what we hear must also be good. In negotiation that shortcut can be costly.

Good negotiators sense when rapport turns to bias. They keep an inner observer alive — the quiet voice asking, Would I still agree to this if we hadn’t had that pleasant chat? The moment you start agreeing just to keep things friendly, or saying “I don’t want to upset them,” the sympathy trap is closing.

The key is balance. Warmth and clarity must walk hand in hand. Build rapport early; it lowers tension. But hold your ground later; it maintains respect. Let compliments be genuine, not tactical. Let shared experiences start the conversation, not steer the outcome.

I once spoke with the managing director of a company I hoped to work with. After a good discussion, he said, “Mr Hawkins, I have great respect for you — just this deal isn’t right for us at this moment.” That line stayed with me because it captured the ideal balance: empathy without loss of clarity, respect without concession.

Liking builds bridges — but not every bridge leads where you need to go. Be approachable, be kind, but don’t let your need to be liked decide the deal. In negotiation, as in life, warmth should open doors — not melt your resolve.