The Commander role in negotiation

During a negotiation training I ran in December, we were talking about the commander role when one participant asked something we don’t usually spend enough time on.

Normally, we explain what the commander does. We describe the function, the responsibilities, the logic of having someone who stays calm, observes the room, and keeps the bigger picture in view.

But this participant asked the better question:

“I think I understand what a commander does… but how do I get into that role if I’m playing the commander myself as well?”

That question was brilliant because it shifts the discussion from theory to practice. Most of us aren’t negotiating with a support team. We’re negotiating alone — and in that moment, the commander isn’t a person sitting next to you. It’s a switch you need to learn to flick.

And it’s worth reflecting on, because negotiation is a high-concentration game. You’re listening, thinking, responding, reading signals, managing your emotions, and making decisions with consequences — all at the same time. It costs energy. Mental energy at the very least, and sometimes a fair bit more than that.

That’s exactly why the commander role matters — and why learning how to step into it matters even more.

Source: Gemini AI

Where “Commander” comes from

In hostage negotiations, the negotiator is rarely expected to do everything. There’s usually a clear structure: one person talks, others observe, coordinate, document, and interface with decision-makers. Someone keeps the bigger picture in view — not just what’s being said, but what must not happen, and what options still exist if the situation shifts.

That “bigger picture” function is exactly what the commander role is about: observe, support, coordinate, keep discipline, slow things down when needed, and stay connected to decision-making.

Take the hijacking of Lufthansa Flight 181 (“Landshut”) in 1977. Hans-Jürgen Wischnewski was designated as a special envoy to coordinate political negotiations across governments — in other words: interface, alignment, access, pressure management. Not the person “winning the argument”, but the person keeping the process strategically connected.

Or look at the Iranian Embassy siege in London, which ran from 30 April to 5 May 1980. The negotiation effort and command structure used negotiation not only to seek a peaceful solution, but also to buy time, gather information, and keep options open. That’s commander logic: don’t get rushed, don’t get cornered, and don’t confuse urgency with strategy.

The film 6 Days dramatises this dynamic well: negotiator, command decisions, pressure, time, and constant “steering” rather than improvising.

What the Commander is (and what it isn’t)

In business, we usually don’t have the luxury of a full team. But the functions still exist — and if nobody else does them, you have to.

The commander is the part of you that steps back and keeps the negotiation clean:

• It protects your walk-away point (so you don’t cross it too early — or without noticing).

• It keeps your objectives and preparation alive during the conversation.

• It observes the other side (signals, patterns, pressure moves) while you’re busy talking.

• It calls timeouts when needed: “Balcony. Re-check. Don’t get dragged.”

Two quick clarifications help.

The commander is not the fun police. It’s not there to kill all intuition, warmth, or flexibility. You can still be human. The commander simply stops you being reckless.

And the commander is not a replacement for preparation. It won’t magically save you in minute 58 if you walked in with fuzzy goals, no walk-away line, and a vague “let’s see how it goes”. It’s quality control, not emergency services.

Emotional triggers: Don’t “leave emotions away” — listen to them

A lot of negotiation advice still boils down to: “Leave emotions away from the table.” Nice idea. Also impossible.

Emotions show up for a reason. They are often the earliest warning system that something important is happening: a boundary is being tested, a value is being poked, a risk is being ignored, or a pressure tactic is landing.

This is where the commander becomes especially useful.

When you notice an emotional spike — irritation, defensiveness, eagerness to please, fear of losing the deal, the sudden urge to “just agree and move on” — treat it as a switch signal:

• What exactly triggered that?

• What story am I telling myself right now?

• Which objective or boundary is at risk?

• What do I need before I respond? Time? Clarity? A check against my walk-away point?

The goal isn’t to suppress emotion. The goal is to convert emotion into information, and then act deliberately.

How to step into Commander mode when you’re negotiating alone

You don’t become the commander once and stay there. You switch into the role on purpose.

The most practical tool is the balcony: step back to observe the negotiation rather than being trapped inside it. Sometimes that’s physical — leaving the room, taking a coffee break, going for a short walk. Sometimes it’s conversational — summarising what’s been agreed so far and what is still unclear. Summarising is often a commander move in disguise.

Source: Gemini AI

Writing things down is another reliable switch. If you want a simple method: split your page into two columns. Facts on one side, feelings on the other. The act of writing forces distance. You stop performing and start observing — and that’s commander mode.

Silence can do the same. Used well, it buys time, creates calm authority, and gives you a mental checkpoint: How good is this deal? What are the long-term consequences? What happens if I say yes?

And yes, sometimes you engineer a pause: “Let’s take five minutes.” “Let’s continue after coffee.” “I’d like to sleep on this.” That isn’t weakness. It’s structure.

Finally, a small physical anchor can help you switch: sit up straighter, push the chair back slightly, stand up, move position. A bodily change often triggers a mental change.

The Commander after the negotiation

The role doesn’t end when the meeting ends.

A short debrief — even half an hour later — turns experience into competence. What worked? What didn’t? Where did emotion take the wheel? Where did you move too quickly? What would you do differently next time?

That’s commander work too.

In brief

The commander role comes from contexts where negotiation is so high-stakes that structure is non-negotiable. Business negotiations aren’t hostage crises (usually), but the mechanics rhyme: pressure, uncertainty, emotion, time tactics, and decisions with consequences.

If you negotiate alone, you don’t necessarily need a second person in the room.

You need a second mode in your head — and the discipline to switch into it when it matters most.