Keep your head, use your heart: Gut feeling, emotion, and ethics in negotiation

The other day in a negotiation seminar, someone asked, “Is it actually OK to make my negotiation partner emotional?”

Classic question. My instinctive, rather British or German answer was to keep things rational—after all, most of us have learned the hard way that letting emotions run wild rarely produces lasting agreements. But my participant had something more subtle in mind: he wasn’t talking about winding people up or provoking a row. What he meant was this: Is it possible to use feeling—to appeal to someone’s senses or even their heart—in a way that moves things forward? Can the atmosphere in a negotiation help shape the outcome? Is there such a thing as a helpful emotion in negotiation?

As with so much in this field, the answer isn’t simply yes or no.

Source: Gemini AI

Emotions, feelings, and the mood of the room

Let’s get our terms straight. When we talk about emotions in negotiation, we’re usually thinking of those sharp, quick reactions—anger, fear, joy, frustration—that can hijack a conversation almost before you realise it. There are also more enduring feelings, like comfort or discomfort, and the broader states of mind or mood: trust, calm, optimism, or a wary sort of curiosity. These longer-lasting states are what really set the tone of a negotiation.

And then there’s gut feeling—that quiet voice inside (what Germans call Bauchgefühl)—that sometimes nudges you with, “Something’s off,” or “Go for it.” It’s your mind, working behind the scenes, piecing together experience and subtle cues.

All of these—emotions, feelings, states of mind, and gut instinct—show up in every negotiation, whether we like it or not. The real skill isn’t in banishing emotion, which is impossible, but in working with it: harnessing the helpful feelings, steering the less useful ones, and above all, creating an environment where everyone can think straight and act fairly.

Why both gut and head matter

If you’ve read Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking, Fast and Slow, you’ll know he distinguishes between two ways of thinking: one that’s quick, intuitive, and emotional (“System 1”), and another that’s slow, deliberate, and rational (“System 2”).Negotiation needs both. Gut feeling can alert you to subtle signals—a hesitation in someone’s tone, a mismatch between their words and their body language, or an offer that sounds too good to be true. But relying on instinct alone can also lead you astray, especially when you’re tired, hungry, or bringing emotional baggage from a previous deal.

The best negotiators, in my view, listen to their gut, then check with their head. You might feel that something’s wrong, but before acting, you pause, test it, and ask a clarifying question. Feel first, verify next. If you ignore either part of your mind, you’re more likely to miss something important.

What helps: Setting the right tone

Now, not everything that’s useful in negotiation is technically an “emotion.”What really makes a difference, in my experience, is fostering certain states of mind and attitudes in the room. If you can help create an atmosphere of curiosity, people are more likely to ask genuine questions and explore what’s possible, rather than simply defend their positions. Curiosity often begins as a flicker of interest—maybe even an emotional spark—but what matters is how it grows into an open, constructive attitude.

Calm, too, isn’t really an emotion, but more an absence of disruptive feeling. It’s the state where people can think, reflect, and sometimes even change their minds. As a negotiator, you set the tone—by slowing down, taking time to summarise, and not being afraid of a little silence.

Trust is another key ingredient, though again, it’s not an emotion so much as a shared state of confidence that you’ll both act in good faith. Trust is built in small steps: you do what you say you’ll do, you’re honest about your limits, and you avoid clever tricks that might win a point but lose the relationship.

A quiet sense of optimism can also go a long way. It’s not about being naïvely cheerful but about keeping the sense that a solution is possible. Optimism is infectious; when people believe that progress can be made, they become more flexible and creative.

And finally, there’s respect and dignity. These aren’t emotions but needs. If you allow people to keep their dignity and feel respected, they’ll move further than if you simply try to “win” at their expense.

The real deal-breakers

That said, some emotions really can derail even the best-laid plans. Anger, for example, might highlight a genuine issue, but if it’s allowed to dominate, it clouds judgment and hardens positions. When you sense anger rising, it’s often best to name it gently (“I can see this is frustrating”) and work to lower the temperature, perhaps by breaking the problem into smaller pieces.

Fear and anxiety are equally unhelpful, locking people into defensive stances and closing off creative thinking. The antidote here is clarity: make the process transparent, break the deal into manageable steps, and be open about your alternatives. No one likes a vague threat.

Worst of all is contempt. Once that creeps in, empathy evaporates and the negotiation becomes a battle. If you sense contempt, whether in yourself or your counterpart, it’s time to pause and try to bring the conversation back to the issue, not the personalities.

Influence versus manipulation—Where’s the line?

Let’s be honest: using a bit of psychology to make a negotiation go smoothly isn’t a crime. But there’s a line between influence and manipulation. It’s perfectly fair to use your understanding of people —whether it’s from Dale Carnegie, personality models or years of experience — to clarify value, build trust, and help both sides see what’s possible.

However, if you’re creating false urgency, hiding the real facts, or aiming to trigger panic or shame, you’ve crossed into manipulation. The ethical test is simple: if you’d be uncomfortable describing your tactic out loud in front of the other party, it’s probably best left out.

Gut feeling: Secret ally—but never your only one

Gut feeling is a wonderful early warning system, but it’s not enough on its own. Trust your instincts, especially when they come from real experience. If something doesn’t quite add up, or if you’re picking up a mismatch between words and behaviour, it’s worth pausing to check.

At the same time, be wary when you’re tired, hungry, or annoyed—your gut can get it wrong if you’re not at your best. It can also be led astray by old stereotypes or the urge to “win” for its own sake. When in doubt, write down your gut feeling and then check it against the evidence or a gentle question.

Creating the right state in the room

A little preparation goes a long way. Alongside your facts and figures, think about the emotional brief: What do you want to feel, and how can you set yourself up for that? What’s likely to trigger the other side, and how can you help them feel safe and open rather than defensive?

During the conversation, use your language to label and summarise what you sense. “It sounds like timing is a real concern,” or “I’m hearing that the risk is on your mind—shall we talk about how to reduce it?” These sorts of phrases help bring feelings into the open, making them easier to work with.

When things get tense, don’t be afraid to pause. Sometimes a simple break—five minutes for a glass of water or a breath of fresh air—can reset the tone completely.

And remember: be hard in the matter, soft on the person. Keep to the facts and the issues, but never at the cost of basic respect.

How it plays out: A simple example

Imagine you feel attacked on price. If you fire back, get defensive, or respond with sarcasm, the conversation quickly stalls. There’s an awkward silence, and very likely, no deal.

But suppose instead you notice your own reaction and keep your composure. You acknowledge the concern: “I see price is a real sticking point for you. Let’s unpack the numbers and see if we can break it into parts.” Suddenly, you’re collaborating, not battling—and new solutions are possible.

Your negotiation state checklist

It helps to have a few things in mind before your next negotiation:

• What do I want both sides to feel at the start?

• Which states of mind are going to help us get somewhere?

• What emotional “red flags” could appear?

• How will I keep myself steady if things get heated?

• What’s one gentle question or phrase I can use if my gut tells me something’s wrong?

A final thought at the end

Negotiation isn’t about suppressing emotion, nor is it about stirring things up for effect. It’s about working with the reality in front of you. Encourage curiosity, calm, and mutual respect. Notice anger, fear, or contempt early and steer things back. Be hard in the matter, soft on the person.

If you do that—and let your gut have a voice, but not the casting vote—you’ll get better deals and, more importantly, build a reputation for fairness and good judgement. And that, in the long run, is worth more than any short-term win.